Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Power play? I think the Washington Capitals need to work on their Heimlich Maneuver instead.

   Went to store. A guy repeatedly screamed, "WOW, THATS A LOW PRICE!" I set him on fire. Now prices r even lower due to smoke damage

   If sex is a pain in the a$$ then you re doing it wrong!

   BBC News: "Web attacks on the rise."...........Must be Spiderman, the rascal!!

   I can't see an end.I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore......................Definitely time for a new keyboard!!

   I could never own a Porsche because I refuse to pronounce it like the Douche Bags that own them do.

   I think more people would go to the library in school if they spiced it up a little bit... like maybe putting and open bar or strip club in it.

   saw an amazing looking girl the other day wearing a T-Shirt that said 'Fight Poverty'. So to impress her, I ran over and punched a tramp.

   Do I wake up grumpy in the morning? Nope. I just let her sleep

   I just saw a picture of Lady GA GA she has a nice Camel Toe ,I mean MOOSE KNUCKLE !!!!

   Always finishes what I sta

   went into my local store and I saw that they had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP",I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

   Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.

   sad that '24' is coming to an end after 8 seasons. I have given 8 whole days of my life to this series.

   been trying to think of a term to describe the amount of time it takes the earth to complete one single rotation, but I'm thinking of calling it a day.

   There's a huge debt crisis in Greece. Apparently they've got bills.........they're multiplying.

   waving his pants and shouting 'viva la revolution'

   hiding from trolls, you never saw me....

   "Barcelona expected to win. They have had an incredible surprise at the San Siro. Then we understood... they had fear". - Jose Mourinho

   traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status