Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I ordered my extra value meal today, the waitress put a leaflet called 'Healthy Eating At McDonald's' into the bag with my food.......That's just what I always wanted, a quarter pounder with lies

   a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong?

   Dont overstay in bed unless you re making money in it

   I am writing a 360 page book...I'm making progress...I already have all the page numbers done

   Drink more beer, give a fat girl a chance...

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   Kinda funny how a mother goes nuts when her China plates break, but a Chinese person would just make a new one.

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   One of the most dangerous weapons in our time.....Social Networking. And we're all trigger happy.

   Don't you wish you go back in time to your high school/college year and tell your younger self "Whatever you do, do NOT sleep with that girl"

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

   Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend !!!!

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   shall not waste his days in trying to prolong them.

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   When down on this hot lesbian, just to taste the rainbow