Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   FOL = Fart Out loud

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.

   Just joined a new group...DAMM: Drunks Against Mad Mothers

   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

   When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.

   Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   Insanity is hereditary ... you get it from your kids.

   I'm not breaking the rules ... I'm just testing their elasticity.

   Beware! I'm armed and have pre-menstrual tension!

   law of averages:The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

   All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.

   I don't know who example555@hotmail.com is but I wish he would stop using my MSN Messenger.

   I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

   after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

   The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.