Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   seen Willy's Wonka and is not impressed.

   I went to Japan and got myself a discount prostitute. She love me moderate time.

   I didn't call you Fred Flintstone because I thought you could make my bed rock!! ;-) I called you Fred Flintstone because that brick of a line was prehistoric!! ;-p Practice your game

   Thought about staying home from work today but then I remembered the thousands of people on welfare are depending on me, I owe I owe its off to work I go.....

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin

   Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

   Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

   call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

   I shoved a hot moist piece of meat in my mouth. first time I really felt dirty from having a bbq

   How come there can't be one less Justin Bieber

   I bet him anul if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

   I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my a$$.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

   A stripper just got mad at me for saying godd@mmit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

   Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

   Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my p*nis".

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   May 4th is Star Wars Day. I hear to celebrate you have to go back to your parent's basement, spend all night alone in a costume, then retreat under the covers with a wookie photo, two cinnabuns, and a flashlight.

   Damn predictive text! I swear, I honestly didn't say I wanna kick your puppy