Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   waiting for you to say something intelligent .

   you know you've been in a long relationship when you start retiring sex toys

   Why do you bake cookies and cook bacon

   You just read this sentence while I ramble on wasting your short life for no reason at all.

   Weird... I just found a haystack on top of this needle...

   must be destined to be a nomad... nobody can live with me. i'd rather be a gypsy...then, I could go around making people thinner...or dead.

   This world is coming to an end.. Volcanoes, floods, earthquakes, Justin Bieber..

   my scientific side says "i'll believe it when I see it". my spiritual side says "i'll see it when I believe it". my drunken side says "what are we looking at?"

   So, someone in Olympia Washington stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   lame...With that mentality come here I'll give you screwed 'til you're the strongest woman ever!

   would like to thank everyone in this world that has ever screwed me over! You may be proud of yourself but, all in all, it will and, it has made me the strong woman that I am today! thank you

   to the lady smoking a cig. with the windows rolled up, kids in the back seat: need I say anymore

   Was watching Bon Jovi unplugged was how I was gonna start this update til I realized I was admitting to watching Bon Jovi Unplugged!

   busy kidnapping yard gnomes.

   Sometimes all it takes is a simple change in attitude to turn your life around. =]

   Sly Pakistani guy try to fly sky high to Dubai. We deny. Bye, bye!

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy D!ck are the same person..

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...