Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome To Sh*t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

   Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

   It's Cinco de Mayo! Or, as they call it in Arizona, "May fifth let me see your papers."

   Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...

   I know I looked like a complete idiot on that wedding video but the camera adds 10 drinks.

   Even if your life was a total waste of space, there's always hope that you'll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.

   I hate to sound so skeptical but I'm starting to think that The Office isn't a real documentary.

   sitting upon his mighty throne, looking over his kingdom, and wearing his crown on a trobled brow. Could some one paaaaleeeeeease bring me some toilet paper.

   having an out of money experience

   Happy Cinco De Drinko

   I wish mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   For those who don't speak Spanish, Cinco De Mayo means "Hold the Mayo"

   Cinco De Mayo, the only day Mexicans are glad they are Mexican and celebrate for a country they were so eager to leave. So since if you aren't a Mexican today just drink like one!!!

   celebrating Cinco De Mayo by having some tequila, tacos, casadias, and cho cha

   Happy Cinco de Mayo! Viva Tequila!! Just cause me and Mr. Cuervo don't always get along, doesn't me we won't be Tangoing the night away! Fiesta !!!

   Maybe the Greeks wouldn't be so broke if they would stop having big fat weddings

   So, the Phoenix Suns are going to have "Los Suns" on their jerseys for the next game. I think that "el esquema de marketing" would be more appropriate.

   sitting on the poarch squirting squirrels with a 70 foot squirt gun! Take that you ratts!!!

   wants you to remember the "Golden Rule"....whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

   I'm pretty damn sure me wife is in the 33% of the married women who claim their pets are better listeners than their husbands - last night I saw the cat desparately going through my draw, may be trying to find my noise cancellation headphones !!!