Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taser? If that guy had been a Rangers fan the Texas cops would have shot him dead.

   GUMP 2010: Shrimp is the fruit of the Gulf. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabob in oil, shrimp creole in oil, shrimp gumbo in oil, pan fried in oil, deep fried in oil, stir-fried in oil. There's pineapple shrimp in oil, lemon shrimp in oil, thats about it.

   Liquor and Poker... Oh, Wait.. you wanted to drink and play cards... well now. Everybody knows where my mind was at."

   I think I just gave her a mamogram

   life is now back on track... unfortunately for me that track is downhill... and there's me with no steering or brakes...

   Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...

   Seis De Mayo, Spanish for, Hungover...

   just got barred from Home Depot, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in!!!!

   Bacon is best served with a side of bacon

   Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

   Lord Voldemort is real evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen.

   With all the infadelities of David Boreanaz, puts a new menaing to his show "Bones". Just waiting for the porn movie to be made.

   wonders if criminals are starting to catch on that there isn't a lot of crime fighting happening during LOST?

   Relationships are like glass...sometimes its better 2 leave them broken rather than hurting yourself trying 2 put them back together!

   C.R.O.W.S = Can't Remember Our Winning Song

   Liquor & poker...or just play cards!!!

   My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

   I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom took away his WII, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own a$$

   closed captions are like reading a book, except this book rocks!

   I play farmville and cafe world on facebook. Does that mean I have to file self employed on my taxes?