Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   Happy Nurses (and students) Day!!! *that doesnt apply to Nurse Sharks though!

   Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.

   "Keep this just between you and me" is a guarantee everyone will know by the end of the day

   Job Application Tip: If asked "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" the incorrect response is, "No, I pleaded insanity."

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...

   My pants are on the no-fly list.

   I may be old a hell when Playstation 9 comes out around the year 2072, but I'll feel like a kid when I get my hands on it.

   In the lives of our grandchildren and great grandchildren, OUR iphone and ipad will be THEIR rotary phone and notepad.

   Men... They have 30 year mortgages, 5 year car leases, 2 year cell phone contracts and a lifetime gym membership and then they say they're afraid of commitment!

   molested herself last night , she tried to say no , but she knew she wanted it .

   finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!

   When we get older, what r we gonna tell our grand kids?!... "When I was ur age, I sat on my a$$, all day on facebook!" The future looks bright, doesn't it?

   wants to keep hot coffee and doughnuts in her car, so that when a cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I can say, "Yes I do" and hand them to the officer!

   I love it when Friday is in town :))))) because she always brings her friends Saturday and Sunday along too!