Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   thinks Toyota built the Staten Island Ferry.

   I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his c**k wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

   Mother's Day Warning: You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   Not sure which one of you sent them...but the men in the little white coats left empty handed...again....better luck next time....

   I was in Walmart the other day and noticed they had some Obama Christmas tree decorations for sale...I guess they figure it's okay to hang a black man from a tree now.......

   the superman of humility

   Sorry, I'm into the "inflatable" type.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Don't text and walk at the same time! Trust me, that street lamp... is closer than you think!

   After undergoing a sex change operation, a judge in Santa Monica granted Chaz Bono's petition to be recognized legally as a man. He celebrated by leaving the toilet seat up.

   thinks a woman is like a KFC bargain bucket. Once you have finished with the breast and legs, all that is left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in.

   Wats procrastination?. .well I will tell you tomorrow..

   Sometimes, people get caught up in their own self pity/misery that they fail to see what they are doing to the people around who love them

   Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. The Internet in a nutshell.

   wouldn't it be great to be born old and grow to be young???

   if you live in America, you have to read and speak English.. otherwise you better just be visiting."

   hears BP is using a huge upside down funnel in the Gulf of Mexico; suddenly I'm having a deja vu/flashback of the beach I used to visit in the Gulf of Mexico, the funnel, and how I was upside down...

   We girls need to stop making fan pages about guys and get back in the kitchen!

   Anybody have the list of the theme weeks that are on Facebook? I don't want to miss out on "PAROLE OFFICER WEEK" or "PROCTOLOGIST WEEK". Thanks

   Thinks we should get as much Dawn dish liquid as possible and pour into the ocean... Dawn cuts thru oil like nuthin and it's safe for the animals... And then we can hav one hell of a bubble party! It's a win win situation...