Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   think wisely before you open ur mouth!!

   Anybody can be a mother...and too many have no kids...and aren't women...so I wish you a Happy Mommy's Day!

   There's only one perfect child in the world; and every mother has it! Happy Mother's Day

   In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

   Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.

   Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

   You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

   enjoys looking at your slutty Saturday night bar photos. Get closer, Ladies. Kiss kiss. Cliche cliche. lol

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.