Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People in 1985: “In 40 years we will have flying cars and a cure for cancer. 40 years later: What’s the interest rate on this Crunchwrap Supreme?

   I never thought it’d be cheaper to paint avocados for Easter but here we are.

   The way Pop-Tart icing holds up in the toaster is both oddly fascinating and unsettling.

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

   Remember ladies, when the devil can’t reach you he sends you a broke man who is good in bed

   $16 jeans from Amazon: easier than doing laundry.

   I got kicked out of a wedding reception for playing with the action figures on top of the cake.

   You can now accurately weigh your luggage with a smartphone. Simply put your phone on a scale with your luggage, then deduct the weight of the phone.

   Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world: holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

   Oops! Mommy's little darling is up and at it. By up and at it, I mean doing daddy in the shower. His name is Barron.

   This week we learned that you can put your troops' lives in danger, compromise your national security, and violate the Espionage Act. And the government will do nothing. But write an editorial for your school newspaper he doesn't like - you disappear.

   M*G* ....... MAKE AM*RICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the world 👍

   M*G* MAKE *MERICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the Internet 👍

   Pete Hegseth's "five things I did this week" email is gonna be hilarious lol

   Last night I had a horrifying dream that Disco was actually making a comeback. At first I was afraid, I was petrified. PS - tr*mp is a dumbc*nt

   Tr*mps faith advisor says if you give her $1,000 you'll get 'supernatural blessings'. You people actually support and believe this sh*t. You like getting conned. And this? Is why we make fun of you.

   SOMETHING YOU WILL NEVER SEE ICE ROUNDING UP THE CEO'S WHO ILLEGALY EXPLOITED UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS

   We enjoy mocking you. A bunch of lemmings running headlong towards the cliff. The product of your idiot leaders dismantling education by creating a generation of complete and utter imbeciles.

   When a person gets m*lested by their father in the shower, and in their later years, projects on someone else online to try and rid themselves of the secret guilt and yes -lust- they still feel 😂

   Oops! Mommy's little darling is up and at it. By up and at it, I mean doing daddy in the shower.