Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

   When you have more moochers and looters (ppl who live off the government) than you do producers (working taxpayers), be prepared for your country to fall!!

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   single-handily trying to free the world of hunger, starting with myself.

   Funny, I have a fifth grader and the stuff that he is learning in school is not the stuff that is on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader". What elementary school do those kids go to?!?

   I love Australia! It's the only place in the word you can call someone a "mate" without sounding sexual ;)

   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

   70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...

   got a leaflet asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the 3rd world......I laughed so hard...if they can fit into my clothes then they are not starving

   my money is energizer money...... it keeps going....

   damn right I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!!

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work

   that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

   True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

   When you first start dating a girl, they say to look at their Mother to see how they'll look as they age. However.....I feel very judgmental when their Mother is practically the same age as I am:)

   When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

   I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.