Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Never Finish My Eraser Because It Is Either Stolen,Lost,or Cut In Half

   if I had a nickel for evertime I ignored your friends request, I could buy facebook with all my change..

   I didn't fall , I attacked the floor.

   I want to get a Henna tattoo that says "Forever"

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to f*ck cuz its not my time of month"

   Ummmm, got drunk and tried to adopt a kid again...

   Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

   He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagin@...

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

   my face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it.

   got excited when he had a "Group Request" in Facebook. Sadly though, it wasn't even close to the type of "groups" he had dreams about ..

   how can I miss you if you won't go away?

   loves when he adds a friend and that friend NEVER posts a message to me or anything....why did you even add me ya stoop

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   loves big ( @ )Y( @ ) and small (.)y(.) chesticles.

   There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Ones who make things happen, ones who watch things happen, and ones who wondered what happened.....