Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i need you like a water needs tea bag. You make me stronger

   I've always wondered what would happen if I deleted my recycle bin...

   I can't help but wonder how police handcuff people with one arm?

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   I dont do jokes about the Spanish....... no way Jose!

   For a guy who isn't affected by gravity, I'm pretty down to earth

   Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF

   Woman's Favorite Position is CEO.

   thinks the C.E.O. of B.P. should go to J.A.I.L.

   thinks that a bad thing about a good thing is that it comes to an end.

   drinking a full bottle of Nyquil, knowing that he is trading a cold for a hung over.

   Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

   "Silence is Another name for my Pain."

   it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.

   tennis players have fuzzy balls!!!!

   why am I so popular that all the facebook viruses come to me?????

   I just learned of a new Bullsh!t double standard today For cops.. It is illegal as he!! for civilians to drive n talk on a cellphone without a hands free device, (which is a good Law).. But appearently cops are exempt from this law. How is that right?

   There's a homeless man at the ATM asking for money....... Well played homeless man......... well played

   staying away from those suckers because they will give you cavities, and keep your grass short so you can see those snakes!!!!!

   People never say, "Boy that was sure a great Ben Affleck movie".