Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can I see my dream in 3D shades?

   I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.

   Sorry Monday but it's over. I am leaving you for Tuesday, please don't be sad.....I have to look to the future....

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

   If you take a muscle relaxer and a Viagra together you will end up a Gumby with a Pokey.....

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

   I knew Steve Nash deep down is a laker fan. Even his right eye and purple and yellow

   why test on animals when we have pedofiles in prison.

   Just saw my Direct Deposit amount and the "LOL" the bank typed next to it.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

   You know what''s so scary, but just so sexy at the same time? A hot woman kicking your a$$ in video games.....in your room.....on your bed.

   Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.

   never realized how sleep deprivation could make me think more bazarrely (is that a word?) than abnormal...thinking outside the dimension !

   curious as to which arm rest in the movie theatre is really yours.

   Women with facial hair, can y'all please stop buying all the freakin Schick razor blades!!! Those are not MADE FOR Y'ALL!!!!   

   To say things are going "swimmingly" is always a good thing. Except when you're on a cruise.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   just got a 'friend request' from Dr. Phil as suggested by another friend....Hmmmm, is this friend trying to tell me something???