Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   The cops came to my house earlier saying that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, my dog doesn't have a bike

   you can pick your friends....you can pick your nose.......but you can't pick your friend's nose!

   ....yup....I definately had asparagus last night!!!

   It may be a sign we're winning the war on terror when the Taliban take credit for a guy who tried to make a bomb out of fireworks...

   The unrest in Iran makes me proud to live in a country where corrupt politicians are smart enough to keep rigged elections close...

   (Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Theres Always That One Lil Bird That Likes To Hang Right Outside My Bedroom Window At Aprox 5am -(Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Like Doesnt He Have a Worm To Go Catch or Maybe a Car To Sh!t On????

   A lie is just a great story somebody ruined with the truth.

   I don't hate the police but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

   ♥ uʍop ǝpıısdn pןɹoʍ ʎɯ uɹnʇ noʎ ♥

   I bet Quagmire has tons of child support to pay.

   There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care