Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves long walks...especially when taken by people who annoy me.

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Except the absence of herpes.Im pretty fond of not having that.

   when life throws you a lemon add the tequila and the salt !!

   Somewhere in this world my second wife is in 9th grade.

   Here it comesssss.... WOOT! WOOT! There it goessssssss.... "CHA-CHING!" Man, Payday Sux! :P

   thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.

   You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

   Has anyone else seen the Pop Tarts commercials where mom makes her kids Pop Tart ice cream sandwiches and garnishes a sundae with Pop Tarts? What can you do to make Pop Tarts even worse for you AND encourage childhood obesity? Add ice cream of course!

   First day without any real amount of nicotine... My brain is interpreting this new development as: grumpy, antzy, sleepy, jumpy and pissy all at the same time... If I get sneezy and dopey I got all the 7 dwarfs covered!

   What will happen during the LOST series finale? My guess is that Matthew Fox wakes up back in Chicago next to Suzanne Pleshette.

   I hate it when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

   a Blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

   Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .

   woke up my wife this morning. She started feeling my face with her eyes closed. I asked her what she's doing and she said "Looking for the off button."

   The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...