Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The grass may be greener on the other side, but you'll eventually have to mow it:)

   If you must lie about your age, do what I do... tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look freakin great!

   Does anyone besides me think the new Olympic Mascots resemble sex toys?????

   totally against selling babies for beer, but teenagers that's another story.

   the only thing more funny then this stupid status update is that your still taking time out of your busy day to read it..

   Some people on this planet are why we don't have a Waffle House on the Moon!

   Trying is the first step toward failure.

   Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

   Watched Justin Beiber preform tonight on Amercan Idol and realized there is one thing worse than eternal hell....being Justin Beiber's background singer!

   You've only got three choices in life: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got.

   I've bin so stressed lately I can't wait to get home and "bust a nut" and by "bust a nut" I mean I hope the wife bought pistachios!

   If it hadn't been BP it would have been someone else. There are thousands of rigs around the world still pumping away as we speak and I haven't heard anyone mention inspection of their blowout preventers....

   finding a good man is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

   thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

   thinks sleep is for people without Internet access.

   HEY, !!!!!!!! -------------> ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

   I love to walk in fog , so nobody knows am smoking (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   is thinking that Facebook must be female. Just when you think you've figured her all out, she change...

   found a sweet new keyboard shortcut. I wish I'd known about it before, it's so much faster! I love you ALT + F4. You make my life easy.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught