Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've gotta come clean. That's why I masturbate with Purell®.

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   If I had super powers I would be so totally dangerous.

   I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird a## quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   Quite a number of women put "Ugh" in their statuses to show the stress and pain of their "situation." To me it almost sounds like you're constipated. "Ugh!! I really don't wanna go to work today, ugh!"

   My son has been sitting at the computer for so long I almost watered him today..........

   It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

   Just walked passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its' wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence please.

   Did you ever stop to think if some of your friends were actually resulting mistakes made by their parents'...."Get-Together?"

   wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacca wacc...HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAC-MAN

   If fanny packs were actually awesome, do you realize how easier life would be?

   going to wear 3D glasses today and shout EVERYTHING LOOKS SO REAL!

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   Stop crying. You asked what I thought of your haircut and "macho" is a compliment where I come from, lady...

   I think I have a combination of Alzheimer's and ADD. I can't remember what I wasn't focusing on

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   On this day in 1967 Mister Rogers' Neighborhood premiered. To this day I'm convinced that Fred and Mrs. McFeely had something going on.

   what is the square root of pie?...MORE PIE!

   a wife is like the suits of a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to beat them when they drive you nuts, and a spade to bury them when their dead