Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS! Private IMs of Top BP Engineer released! BP-1: Nothing is working. Any more ideas? BP-2: What if we build a large wooden badger?

   Wants to thank BP. Now I can wash and oil my lettuce at the same time

   Know how to tell when a woman says something smart? When she starts her sentence with "Once a man told me"

   Dear god, please can we swap Justin Beiber for someone with some actual talent?.. say Michael Jackson would be good...

   If you don't like the way I drive, you can either sit in the seat next to me and encourage me forward while holding on, you can sit in the back seat and STFU, or you can get the fook out.

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   You know you're getting old if you look at an iPad and think "doesn't that look like an Etch-a-Sketch?"

   prays to God "Give us Michael Jackson back, take Justin Beiber instead"

   Why does Facebook ask what's on my mind...I am a male of the species so it should be bloody obvious!

   The "Oprah Winfrey show" ends in 2011. No wonder the Americans think the world will end in 2012.

   Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts

   Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   Jogging backwards because I'm trying to gain a little weight

   Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall

   My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.

   If uve ever noticed this notice you will probably notice that this notice was not worth noticing.......:P

   Seriously... Something to do before 2010 is over. Come out of the closet. Everyone's got the gaydar on you already. (It will only hurt a little!) ;)

   Dont you hate it when Madonna steals you from an african village!

   I propose we plug the Gulf oil leak with BP executives.

   Dont worry, if we do all die in 2012... at least Justin Beiber dies also ..