Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, ‘You wanna play 'magic'?' She responds, ‘What's that?' He says, ‘Well we go  back to my place and  screw, and then you disappear!'

   Just Saw A Bumper Sticker That Said... "My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student..."

   What a tortured soul... He never really figured out what Willis was talking about....

   What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day;  anal sex makes your hole weak.

   While the women were attending the "Sex and the City 2" premiere... the men were enjoying "Sex outside the City Too"...

   Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?

   Confucius says "Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

   My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   without freedom of speech we would never know who the a$$holes are

   Q: How do you make four old ladies say  ‘FUCK!'?  A: Get a fifth one to yell  ‘BINGO!' 

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

   These are my Hammer pants; you can't touch them.

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."