Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Money cannot buy you happiness but id rather cry in my ferrari...."

   Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   - I heard my mates's girlfriend say to him..."You'd be fitter if you exercised you lazy f**k".....I could't help myself interrupting and said to her...."You'd be a lot f**kin fitter if you were your sister"....

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

   The tip of the day: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!

   is surprised that some group of backwoods pudknockers hasn't yet blamed President Obama for CAUSING the BP oil leak in the Gulf.

   wonders how exactly does one wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy?

   Quitting Facebook over privacy is like moving out of your house because you can't be bothered to lock the door....

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leaks...

   Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

   "Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

   Life was much simpler when Apple's and Blackberry's were just fruits.

   i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table

   Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

   "Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."

   I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water, all I have to do is defrost it!

   Apparently the phrase, "If you build it, they will come," doesnt apply to self constucted bedroom furniture from IKEA!