Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   I wanna get Papa John Pizza Wasted!!!!

   Dont Touch..Its call The No No Spot For A Reason.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   My super power is finding out about really cool sh*t after it happens.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   Even if you preface it with "I think strippers smell nice", saying "You smell like a stripper" has a way of being misconstrued.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. She has 5 fingers and the middle one's for you.

   If a large box of cereal is considered "Family Size", would a large box of condoms be considered "Prevent a Family" size?

   We Need Captain Planet ,Let are Powers Combined

   all for 7 day weekends

   Everybody's gonna hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   wants everyone to remember that when it seems like God has turned His back on you and He seems so far away....remember this...He's not the One that moved.