Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else..

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!

   You can watch things happen, you can make things happen, or you can wonder what just happened." ~ Phil Harris RIP

   It's official: Sarah Palin has now written more books than she has read.

   Just once I'd like to see a Congressman resign by saying, "I regret everything but the blow jobs. They were awesome."

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. The same was true in Transformers 1 and 2.

   Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong threw a car at reporters.

   Bin Laden sees what BP's done, and he's like, "Man, I've got to step up my game."

   BP's latest strategy to stop leak, Operation Fingers Crossed, doesn't instill much confidence.

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine'

   BP Consulting with Toyota about Making Things Stop

   Dear BP CEO: You can have your life back as soon as you fix that pipe.

   All the problems in out country right now and our President is playing more golf than Tiger Woods!!! FML.

   U can close ur eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close ur heart to the things you don't want to feel

   Life Is A Great Learning Book But Without CONTENTS !

   Since July 2008, three of the four Golden Girls have died. That leaves only one: Betty White -beloved entertainer or calculated killer?

   Thinks it is amazing how a spider the size of my thumbnail can make a woman move faster then Bruce Lee on steroids and scream louder then a horror flick chick.....

   4 truths of life: 1) You can't touch all of your teeth with your tongue. 2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it. 3) The first truth is a lie. 4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

   Drop a nuke on the oil spill...just worry about the excuse we'll need after they overshoot the target and bomb Mexico instead.

   Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the July issue...Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.