Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   I'm beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.

   If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days

   have you heard of the new paint called "blonde"? its not very bright but it spreads easy

   Dear god, If you give us back Kurt Cobain, we'll give you Lady GaGa!

   It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.

   7 out of 10 England Fans think England will win the World Cup 2010. . . . the other 3 aren't drunk yet!

   Seashelled the neighbors house last night. Not quite the same effect as TP.

   I'm thinking of removing all the keys off my friend's keyboard and replacing them in a random order.

   Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Thoughts lead to words... Words lead to actions... Actions build your character... Your character determines your destiny.

   2 eyes to see... 2 ears to hear... 2 hands to hold... 2 legs to walk... but 1 heart? Because the other was given to someone else... for us to find.

   ► Play The Moments ▌▌ Pause The Memories ■ Stop The Pain ◄◄ Rewind The Happiness.

   I told my wife Ii wanted a cheeseburger for dinner, she told me to make it myself... Looks like I'm eating cereal.

   Rated E for every one!!! wait.......