Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to MacDonalds for a Salad is like going to a crack house for vitamins

   These high gas prices sure have made it hard to land on the dollar when filling up.

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying.

   iF YoU tyPE LiKE ThiS, YoU'rE prOBAblY tOo YoUNG To bE oN fACebOoK.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   enjoying a stiff one. A stiff drink, you dirty-minded people!

   used to sing like Justin Bieber...then I turned 4!!

   - I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   Express Lane: Five beers or less.