Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

   thinks that the inventor of the auto-response phone system should be put to death - but they have to choose their own death from a menu of options.

   Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it ...

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your laptop with you.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   isn't sure what's worse...the massive amount of oil gushing into the ocean, or the massive amount of BS gushing from BP executives.

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)

   Look out Mr. Boss Man, I had a Barney, two Wilma's and a Deeno before I came in so, let's get this show on the road, buddy-boy

   Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination

   You know you're getting old when you prefer nut clusters to marshmallows in your cereal.

   I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

   's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!

   ..what makes Monday mornings so tolerable is my favourite mug filled with coffee and familiar faces filled with gossip..

   I don't really know you , and I dont know how I added you to my facebook, but it says its your birthday today and to wish you happy birthday , so happy birthday mutha F@%$#&

   In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

   I'm more attractive when I'm sober, but I doubt I would want to sleep with you then

   You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant...