Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Motels....Because you and your hooker deserve better than the backseat of some car.

   You know who's going to take the title between the Celtics & Lakers......Football season that's who.

   at the end nobody loses, but there's me laughing at you.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   If the show is called America's Got Talent, how come Howie Mandel is hosting it?

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   Relly hopes the weekend comes as quick as some of her exes

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny

   filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.