Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   it's not illegal it's frowned upon

   Less work. More aholic.

   saying AT&T promised bars in more places, but everywhere I go I see the same bars and the same drunks

   Not to be insensitive, but this oil spill better not affect my access to delicious pelican meat.

   why can't we just get a big pair of pliers and crimp that oil leak shut??

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ........... words will never f**king fail me !!!

   If your blonde and you know it stomp your feet! *clap* *clap*

   You're never more indignant in life than when you're shopping in a store that you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for an employee of that store.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   ..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   with all the engineers trying to stop the leak in the gulf, has anyone tried to contact someone with some basic plumbing skills???

   wishes more businesses would check their signs for mistakes. There is a HUGE difference in "Closed for remodeling" and " Closed for remolding."

   we all live on the same planet but we're all in our own worlds..

   has come up with a solution to the oil spill .........auqaman(finally he can be useful)

   women are like parkingspots . All the good ones are taken... and the rest is for handicaped people ...

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.