Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   The difference between you and a battery is that battery has positive side.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   Everyone is always asking something for a friend. Friends are the most curious, ignorant ba$tard$, aren't they?

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.