Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   mad because the government took away my Weapon of Mass Destruction.

   that the word "studying" comes from the words "students dying".

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   I just noticed that all the girls I've ever been with all had one major thing in common.. 10's become 2's on day 2."

   People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world"

   Ha.....and the neighbors think THEY can be loud???? They haven't been formally introduced to me and Jack Daniels yet.

   I dont trust pregnant people. I have a feeling they're hiding something....

   asked "what do you like to see most in a woman" I answered "the top of her head"

   Now I know exactly why Australians have their own version of " Australian rules football" !!!

   This is a full blown Four Alarm fishing season emergency here. All thats left is to press on and have the hap... hap... happiest fishing trip since Bing Crosby Tap danced with Danny Frikin Kay.

   The last German who did THAT well on African soil was Rommel.

   Why has "Just between you and I," never really just between you and I?

   When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   making deposits into her buzz account...

   America is at war with al qaeda, but we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

   wondering why the phrase, "I`m not being rude" must always be followed by "but" ?

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   Went camping this weekend adn learned taht the longest journey begins with not looking at a map.

   Dear mother nature, now I know that last year when you made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights we had some words. This year if you ruin my summer again I might have to go against all of what I believe and choke a b***h!