Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dont understand women...its very simple. I put my hand on your hip, when I dip you dip, we dip

   Lets Just call MacGyver out of retirement to fix the BP oil leak and call it a day!

   If your eyes are positive you would like all the people in the world.But if your tongue is positive all the people in the world like you.

   donates £2 a month to starving Africans - and what do they do? Go out and buy a f-kin trumpet!

   The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking, but that he won't let you stop listening."

   A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

   The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."

   "Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left."

   Never underestimate the power of a woman -- nor overestimate her age and weight.

   LOL = laugh out loud ... or . . . I don't want to talk anymore

   Whatever hits the fan . . . never gets evenly distributed!

   Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned!!

   People took LSD to make the world weird . . . now people take Prozac to make it normal.

   Some people have no trouble making ends meet. Their foot is always in your mouth!

   why the hell are all the hot guys tall, dark and obnoxious?????? :(

   Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

   Paedophobiais: a fear of children.....I knew there was a name for my condition! :)

   Wishes some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's.. when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   has an additional sentence that he never wanted to hear in bed: "On Facebook you wrote 17 cm!"

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual status update, you would have driven staight 2 Taco Bell & eaten a chalupa.