Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   You know since my son was never born, seein' as how i've never actually had consensual sex without money being involved, i've always considered you to be, well, something I could live next door to in accordance with State law

   Even God hates BP! Lightning struck the tanker today and started a fire!

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt... hehehe suckers!!!

   Police and doctors are fun to watch on TV. Just look at all the shows. In reality, its not as fun when they all watch you. You either done something wrong or something wrong has been done to you.

   Thinks that if I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

   wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.

   not a OBGYN. But, I will take a look!

   when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers..

   always relates everything he does with sports even when he's not watching or playing sports, well if anyone wants to know the score for today's game it was the Lawnmowers 42, Frogs 0."

   went to his first gambling anonymous meeting last night.. They gave me 2:1 odds that I won't make it...

   There are 10 types of people in the world...Those that understand Binary Code and those that do not!!

   I figure there are 3 types of people in this world....Those that can count, and those that cannot!!

   All my friends who have Girlfriends want to be single... All my friends who are single want girlfriend friends... As for me, I just want a slave...

   The idea is to die young as late as possible

   wondering if you have sex with a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered a "orgy"?

   It's obvious that Ed Hardy is g@y. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers...

   Eating kidney beans is a very small step towards cannibalism...

   Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.