Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   Man made alcohol, God made marijuana, who are you going to trust?

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   all I want is a comfy bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   Osama Bin Ladin has announced he's giving up. It's too tough to compete with B.P

   What is the difference between the English soccer team and an albatross? An albatross has 2 good wings.

   t is my sincere hope that your day is full of love and that you are a positive influence on the people who look up to you. It is also my sincere hope that Perez Hilton pours kerosone all over himself, down his throat and in his socks & immolates himself

   IEBER FEVER: Symptoms include elevated temperature, undergarment wetting and nine octave higher range while screeching. For those in proximity of sufferers symptoms include nausea, vomiting and desire to kick Justin Bieber in his empty sack gonads

   Lady Gaga is a Yankees fan. Point: Mets.

   What is the difference between English soccer and Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton can score.