Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   This status was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. Try that on your precious iPhones.

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   **shortest fairly tale**-->once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after..

   97% of people would scream if they saw justin bieber about to jump of a sky scraper 3% would sit in a chair with popcorn and yell "do a flip"

   wondering if practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, what the point of trying

   Women cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls ... because they can

   So tired of these new gadgets and the companies trying to monopolize the programs, I am going back to my pencil and a piece of paper!!!

   If you're happy and you know it...share your meds.

   Whoever has the most Facebook friends when he dies WINS

   wondering why cameras have round lenses that take square pictures.

   in a constant state of Omphaloskepsis (look it up).

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.

   The difference between the local school and local prison?The Address and The tolerance of phone calls

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

   Sometimes people act like the US isn't the only country in the whole world.