Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

   Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money

   The Democrats finally came forward and ruined Chelsey Clinton's life with the news that Janet Reno is actually her father.

   hopefully its called ECLIPSE because they are gonna play a better movie over it

   A moment of silence for all our pu$$y whips bro's who are enduring the ECLIPSE premier!

   My car is leaking oil. Can I blame BP?

   Jack & Jill.. went up the hill 2 fetch a pale of water, god knows wht happened.. they came down wid a daughter !!

   World's Shortest Fairy Tale: There once was a man who asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No." and he lived happily ever after.

   Insomnia: Inability to sleep until it is time to get up!

   Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   it tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

   chasing vodka with french fries

   Have you noticed you very rarely hear one liners about cocaine.

   Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   Jack's complete lack of surprise.

   when you are single,all you see r happy couples.............when you r commited,all you see r happy singles. :))

   When I was a kid, my father sat me down and told me he had some pictures to show me that would help me to remember to always wear a condom.... Funny thing is that all the pics were of me

   i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"