Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   I went to the movies cause people wanted to see Eclipse, So I slowly covered the projector beam. Caused a riot, at least I got a better show than what that movie would have been.

   figured out how to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico......put a wedding band around it and it will stop putting out

   Hey girl I want you to lay in my bed and pretend your knees hate eachother

   saw a whino eating grapes. I was like "Whoa, buddy. You have to wait....."

   As a white person, I was offended on just how "white" the cast in Twilight Eclipse were.

   running down the street bare footed to get to ice cream truck on time!

   Twilight's like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

   If good chocolate, good friends, good hugs or a good solicitor can't fix it then it simply can't be fixed... =)

   I am pretty sure it was more then just water Jack and Jill fetched from the hill, because people just don't come tumbling down for no reason and why was Jack wearing a crown I mean come on there is more to this story people.

   Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire

   passed a door in the stairwell with the sign: "Door is Alarmed." I told it to relax, everything is going to be okay.

   A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   I do not look back, the past is over, what's done is done, I thank god for what his given me and ask him to guide my ways towards a life of happiness ♥

   Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children

   Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is the most important.

   We are sinners, but we can strive to be good!!!!

   Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Thank god I dont have a house!

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep