Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These lemons are half empty.

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   Eclipse recently came out. Who wants to stand at the front of the movie theaters and take away man-cards with me? Every guy I see going to watch it will have his man-card automatically suspended and recommended for permanent expulsion from the Male gender

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   There is something significant about being the first to use a fresh new toilet paper roll

   if you have a two-four or a sixty-pounder then come up here to Canada cause we could always use another hoser to party with, we'll have some poutine and maybe we'll even catch a beaver if you're lucky eh? HAPPY CANADA DAY!

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   wondering if Michael Jackson will ever return from the dead to make a Thriller 2

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   Insomnia is like Viagra; It can keep you up all night.

   wishes they'd make an app that turns my iPhone into a taser..

   just bought a loaf of bread and a tube of Vagisil for my wife.....now there's a major Catch-22.

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   so today at work, I accidently ripped one in front of a hot female. Seein I was embaressed, she cheerfuly responded, "oh yeah?". She then proceeded to lift her leg and cut one of the ripest farts ive ever heard. Oddly awesome.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.