Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   where there is a Will,there are 500 relatives!

   Break up is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than hurting yourself trying to fix it.

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Thank you and good night, drive safely, I'll be here all week.

   JK Rowling proved that some children's books could be over 500 pages. Stephanie Meyers proved that some children's books shouldn't ever be written.

   Van Der Sloot is looking to get paid for media interviews. I'm confused. Why hasn't this guy been given a Peruvian death wedgie yet?

   According to Twilight, it cool to chase 17 year-old tail but only if you're 110 years old.

   When Bella's Aunt Flo comes to visit, does she have to double up on her feminine protection to keep Eddie from biting her?

   TWILIGHT: Turning the bloodthirsty undead into a bunch of wussies for over three quarters of a decade.

   If drinking destroys your memories...what does drinking do?

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters

   without trust, there is suspicion whenever your filled with suspicion everyone starts looking evil to you

   Try Jesus . . . If you don't like him, The Devil will always take you back :)

   I love pulling in a random person's driveway when a cop is turning around to pull me over. Makes me feel like James Bond.

   I have to go to work after getting my braces tighten, so this will be a good test to see which is more enjoyable.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I would consider becoming Catholic if they made Batman Pope.