Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   love Independence Day! But it pales in comparison to my Dependence Day, that is the day I decided to depend on God and not myself. Talk about true freedom!

   guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!

   strongly abides by the motto: "Safety third."

   OMG I just wasted my time watching the twilight series :love triangle between a depressed girl a 110 yr old vampire and a werewolf !

   Talk like a angel, act like a angel yet a devil in disguise!!

   Why do we sleep in church, but stay awake through a 2 hour movie?? Why is it so hard to talk to God, but so easy to gossip??Jesus said "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny YOU in front of my Father.

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   Someone said I met Jim Beam last night but I don't recall.

   Loves the smell of gun powder, thank you Chinese people..

   i hear hell is hot this time of year..

   bail money, check, mankini, check, whipped cream, check, jelly wrestling for dummies guide book, check, stubbie holder, check, panadole, check......... Cairns here I come.

   dont you hate it when your frank stick sticks to your beans?

   Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You're a single man, don't worry.” The other is saying, “You're a vet.

   Lead us not into Temptation - Just tell us where it is!

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.