Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   Men have Adam's apple, and women have Eve's cherry

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   so you know what's hotter then today? Me......that is all.

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   Donald Duck.. never wears pants in his entire life.. but when it gets out of the shower, it comes with a towel wrapped around the waist.. I mean.. what is that about?"

   I need a beer....Or a pillow....or both

   "In the eyes of the Ranger, the unsuspected stranger. You'd better know the truth of wrong from right."

   Appearances can be deceiving - a dollar bill looks the same as it did twenty-five years ago.

   It's "Do The Right Thing" hot out there today

   Do you know what happens to little boys who continually interrupt? They grow up and make a fortune doing TV commercials.

   I saw a guy in WalMart wearing aqua socks. I was afraid to take his picture, as it might provoke my murder and subsequent skinning.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   Some families can trace their ancestry back three hundred years, but can't tell you where their children were last night.

   If you leave your pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them...

   wondering did someone ever give Sean Paul the light

   Dude!!! I don't play, I quit school because of recess!

   Everytime there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born.

   Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people