Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to be a life gaurd, untill that damn blue kid got me fired!

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"

   finally decided to Tie the Knot... the Four-in-Hand Necktie Knot - it's really the easiest to tie.

   Watching the Hanover... Not the movie.. looking in the mirror

   Spain or Germany??? --Spermany!

   I'm going to be more productive today by making a list of things I don't have to do and accomplish every one of them.

   she didn't think it was as funny when her plans for a Dutch Oven backfired.

   I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry."

   annoyed....the FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working!

   Dear Lindsay Lohan,Here is a tip,Better learn to hold your soap tightly.

   Get Your FaceBook Outta MySpace.

   George Bush is the only guy I know who has @#$%ed more than 300 million people at one time.

   wants an asian monkey just so I can name it "who flung pu"

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   facebook...u can poke another man's woman & he wont get mad about it

   's ideas regarding romance have drastically evolved since kids & marriage. Flowers are lame. A man pushing a vacuum or starting a load of laundry without being asked, however, is the hottest thing since Brooke Shields swam the Blue Lagoon naked!

   Lord Voldemort is pure evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen!

   If George Washington never told a lie, why is his picture on a dollar bill worth 38 cents?

   Being told my breath smells like a sumo's kock with an onion ring around it wasn't funny, mom...

   If you're a man over 65 and like to jog, remember to tuck your nuts in your sock before you leave the house....Old Jogger Rule #34.