Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   are the watermelons being sold outside suppose to be better than the one's at the grocery store???

   Next time the Court of Justice selects me for Jury Duty , I'll bring an Octopus ...

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of vuvuzelas suddenly buzzed out in unison and were suddenly silenced.

   Hey, someone finally won! Celebrate irresponsibly.

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

   My Hamster has a developed an issue. He slides money out of my wallet and eats it. Seriously! $40 this week, so far. Renaming him "Government".

   Sex is a lot like air..You don't realize how bad you need it until you don't have it.

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   You know who sucks Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   My life coach just benched me.

   The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!