Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trust me.. You DO NOT want to see how a Sausage Fest is Made!"

   So many input boxes. Ever go to search for a girl on facebook and set her name as your status instead? Me either."

   Every Morning I wake up and think, "Don't let it slip about Darth Vader being Luke's Dad." It's hard having a 5 year old who doesn't KNOW.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."

   enjoys when his girlfriend's bikini top accidentally comes off while frolicking in the ocean.

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   Llamas rule the world! And Petting Zoos!

   super excited we got away from your parents this weekend...now if we could only lose your husband/wife....

   so happy we finally landed on the moon!!

   I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

   My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumb@ss, I can still see him.

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   if you are reading this you love lesbians!

   One hair on your head is not enough...but one hair in your food is too much.

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"