Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   This just in...Steinbrenner tells Jesus he has 3 days to cut his hair and shave his beard or he will be benched

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

   my friend told me he just got a new walk-in shower so I had to ask, how the hell did you get in it before?

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Takes 6 days to come and then stays for just 1 day - Damn Saturday!

   Beauty is common... significance is rare

   George Steinbrenner to be buried in Florida ... his family wants him as far from baseball as possible!

   that the only reason your EX-bf wants to have you have back is EX w/ an "S" at the beginning.

   my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."

   Do you think the Man in the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?"

   Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This problem has finally been solved thanks to British scientists. In a related story, German scientist are researching how much wood could a wood chuck chuck.

   All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   If you don't make time for those in your life that are important, then don't be surprised when one day they stop making time for you.....

   it's so hot, my ice coffee is sweating more than I am

   Victoria's Secret just launched a new bra called Netherlands. It has a lot of support, but no cup!!!!