Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really wish I had a pet chimp..that would really be cool. We could dress alike and go places together. We would be best friends..

   going to go camping at North Korea State Beach and play a great camping game of Hide-and-keep-hiding!

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   Didn't lock my car last night and there was a homeless guy asleep in it this morning.

   Will too much skin lightening cream turn you invisible?

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   "You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."

   Experts took a poll asking what part of the women do men notice first. The results stated 73% of men said women's eyes. Yea right, that's why we have a large food chain called "Pupils"

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.