Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   until money changes color, my favorite color is green.

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   rapping with Dr. Seuss. That dude has mad skills.

   could never understand why the ghosts on the TV show "Ghost Whisperer" didn't take advantage of the fact they could sneak around and see Jennifer Love Hewitt naked.

   There is actually a "man vs wild alabama". Bear said "this is going to be one of my toughest challenges ever". He's obvously seen "deliverance".

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   voices inside of his head, but they're speaking in spanish and he can't understand them

   I just realised Chewbacca carries a Purse!"

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time

   What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?

   What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...