Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once gave up fishing. It was the most terrifying weekend of my life.

   worried that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it.

   u will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one

   i am pleased that BP has stopped the flow of water into the Oil of Mexico

   She has the lips of an angel But what She does with them, she's probably going to hell

   gonna send Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston a pack of condoms as a wedding gift.

   Captian's Log: July 15th, I am still a total bada$$

   admits he only watches "Glee" for the hot, young a*s. Mmm

   heard that actor Mel Gibson had phoned several trusted friends for advice on how to handle his situation with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. They included Alec Baldwin, Chris Brown, Michael Richards, Archie Bunker and the ghost of Gary Coleman.

   ack when I flipped burgers at McD's, the big girls always wanted to date me, said I smelled good.

   eating fiber and smoking weed.... just for sh*ts and giggles

   couldn't use my Shakeweight today... it had a headache

   www.amish.com. How did this happen?

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   Marriage changes passion....Suddenly you're in bed with a relative

   Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY

   Live, Laugh, Love, Lesbians, :)