Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   cop pulled me over and was out of tickets, happiest day in my life

   mexico would help America with the war in Iraq, if only they could hitch a ride

   he who sleeps on the floor will never fall off the bed

   The first guy to blow a vuvuzela at an NFL game will be getting his a$$ kicked.

   does every dollar store smell weired and stuffy or its just me?

   my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.

   you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   After a some thought, I am thinking I would LOVE to hear a phone taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson!

   with out ME, you're just AWESO

   You're either NEXUS or you're against us!

   A great way to start my day, I got a speeding ticket on my way to work & got written up for getting late...

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

   AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!

   Typical I buy 1 night stand from eBay & all I got was a bedside table...no dout they will be getting negative feedback!!!

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .