Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feeling politely confrontational this evening. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

   not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.

   has often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   There are 3 kinds of people in the world. One is the solution to the problem, one is the problem, while the other is wondering what was the problem???

   thinks that iPad is an iPod for fat people.

   realized that a dog is truly a mans best friend. Locked the dog and the wife in the car boot for 1hour. Guess who was happy to see me and who wasn't??

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   made two batches of brownies at a friend's house, one plain and one special. accidentally brought the wrong batch home to my very mormon mother. she's laughing her ass off at george carlin right now

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.